This Boy

This boy

Here's where I really start to freak out. That boy. That beautiful, bright and shiny boy is the one that is dying. The boy I am caring for now is nothing like him. Except for the sweetness. And the love. And the hugs. I am grieving for a child who is standing right before me. I miss him, yet he is still here. I cannot wrap my mind around it. So I immerse myself in caring for the sick boy. I love him with everything I've got. I focus on guiding my other children through this pain and I hope there's another side. 

A few months ago when a friend asked me how I thought I might deal with this, I told her that I thought the only way through it was through it. No secret. No magic. No formula. No plan. A few weeks ago she sent me a Hopi prayer she found. It supports my thinking in some ways. In others, it goes against what I want to do. I want to shut you out. I want to be alone. But strangely I feel better when I share this. I feel better with you here.